Just to get it out

Sometimes there are so many different thoughts running through my head that I just need to get them out. Sometimes they make sense and sometimes they don't. I don't stop to think about it or edit what I'm writing and sharing I just type as fast as I can to get the words out to see if I can make sense of them. Keep reading if you wish too or stop now since what I'm writing isn't really for you anyways its for me. 

I was going through my old posts on Facebook the other night because I couldn't sleep, which seems to be pretty frequent these days. Hello anxiety. I realized a few things ready through my old post. 

First, I was crazy happy 7 years ago during that first year of college. I had awesome friends who I constantly did things with who made me laugh so hard. I miss college. 

Second, I realized that even though I'm in a different place in my life I'm happy, a different kind of happy, a more fulfilled doing something positive kind of happy. I'm happy at the progress my students are making because I am able to teach them to the best of my ability. 

Third, I realized that I don't have any friends anymore, okay I do have friends casual friends who I don't talk to unless something big has happened in my life or in their lives. 

I'm starting to realize just how truly alone I am at this stage in my life. I don't have anyone that I can talk to about how my day went. Funny stories that may have happened. Challenges that I might be facing. Successes that I have had both at work with my kiddos or even in my personal life. I want someone to lean on when I don't think that I can make it any longer. Someone to scream at when I'm so frustrated that will listen to me first and the calm me down. I want someone who I look forward to seeing even on those days when it's so hard to get off the couch after a really tough day at work. 

As I look through my friends lists, close friends and casual acquaintances, I realize that everyone has somebody. Husbands, girlfriends, boyfriends, fiances. This isn't a poor me I just want a boyfriend or a fiance or a husband. At this point in my life I don't feel ready to settle down and get married. I feel like there is something that I need to accomplish before I can meet "the one". Don't misunderstand me if I were to meet someone tomorrow I wouldn't turn them down or away I would give them a chance but I not looking to meet anyone. All I'm saying is that I want someone, who is not family, to be my biggest cheerleader. Someone I can talk to about all of my struggles, weak moments, my successes, my good days, my students. 

I want to be able to feel carefree and have fun again. Teaching kindergarten is so much fun and I love it with all my heart but I want to have my own kind of fun. Fun that other people might think is crazy, that they would never do. I want adventure. To try something new and something crazy. I want to experience something new.

I want to be me. I feel that somewhere along the way I lost who I am as a person. I am more that just a daughter and a sister. I am more that just a kindergarten teacher. I feel like a shell that is walking around going through my day to day motions. I'm going through the motions to make others happy. I want to discover who I am. I don't think that I have ever really known who I am and I think that it is a shame. 

Don't take pity on me or feel bad for me that's not what I want or what I'm looking for. If I don't want to go out with you don't take it personally there is probably something else going on.

I am a very quiet personal person. I like to keep to myself. I like to do things by myself. I am okay with being alone. Being alone doesn't scare me. I need time to figure out who I am. Only I can figure out who I am. I will figure out who I am but I think that it is going to take sometime. 

I know that this is a really long post. If you made it this far then maybe there is someone out there that really cares. I thank you from the bottom of my heart I really do.